


I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now I only waste it dreaming of you)

by Lilaclynn8



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-10 23:13:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5604568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilaclynn8/pseuds/Lilaclynn8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron is having trouble coming to terms with his sexuality. Ken just wants him to be happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now I only waste it dreaming of you)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Of All The Gin Joints In All The World" by Fall Out Boy

_August 23rd, 2015: Phillies-2, Marlins-0 ___

It was just Aaron’s seventh start of his Major League career. The Phils were in Miami, battling for the worst record in the league. 

Aaron went eight full innings, giving up only three hits and two walks and striking out six batters. Ken was brought in to seal the win in the 9th. An hour later, Aaron sat in the near empty clubhouse beside his closer.  
“That was fucking wild, man.” Aaron said, running his hand through his damp hair.  
“You were amazing today. You had great command of your fastball and your curve was amazing.” Ken gushed over his teammate.  
Aaron was still glowing from the victory. He smiled in response to Ken’s praise. Ken resisted the urge to tell him how perfect his smile was.

Aaron was always shy about taking compliments, but Ken sometimes just couldn't help himself. Ken was constantly captivated by Aaron’s looks, his demeanor, his pitching. It was hard not to notice how beautiful he was. 

“I think we should go back to the hotel.” Ken told him. Aaron silently agreed. 

Aaron and Ken had been doing _whatever this is_ since Aaron came to the big leagues. They've been hooking up after games for weeks now. Neither of them really talked about what they were doing, and that was honestly the last thing Aaron wanted to talk about. He rationalized the situation to himself as teammates helping each other out, even though he knew deep down this was an entirely different monster. 

Aaron grew up in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, raised in a strict Christian household. Aaron's parents never really broached the topic, but he felt like they really weren't as accepting of LGBT people as they seemed. He had dated a few girls throughout high school, but never was really committed to any of them. 

In college was when he first experimented with guys. His LSU teammate Kevin Gausman had told Aaron he was bisexual during Aaron’s first semester. The next semester after a party, Aaron awoke to find himself in Kevin’s bed with a hangover. 

They had hooked up a few times after that night, and Aaron’s feelings were starting to scare him. Kevin was drafted by the Orioles after that baseball season, and Aaron was thankful. 

One night in college he told his brother Austin about him and Kevin. When Austin asked if that meant he was gay, Aaron yelled at him and told him that was disgusting. Austin decided after that to never ask Aaron about his sexuality ever again. 

Ken had known he was gay since high school. He was comfortable with his sexuality and always had been. In his junior year he began dating a boy named Jake. His high school teammates were overwhelmingly supportive, but understood Ken wanting to keep their relationship a secret from scouts. Their relationship continued well into Ken’s collegiate career, before they broke it off. Now, the whole team and probably most of the league knew he was gay, but it was still a secret from the media. 

In their hotel room, Ken leaned over to kiss Aaron, but Aaron pushed him away.  
“What’s the matter?” Ken asked him.  
“Nothing.” Aaron answered coldly.  
“Come on, tell me. It can’t be the game.”  
“Just let it go,” Aaron snapped back.  
Ken stared silently back at Aaron, whose face was turning red.  
“I’m not gay.” Aaron whispered.  
“Where’s this coming from? No one said you were.” Ken assured him. 

Aaron went silent again. Ken wasn’t going to force Aaron’s thoughts out of him, but he was praying Aaron would finally talk to him about _this_. Even if Aaron didn’t want to be with him, Ken wanted Aaron to be happy. 

“Kevin texted me this morning,” Aaron mumbled.  
“What’d he say?” Ken asked.  
“Said he can’t wait to see me next week. Said he wants to talk.” 

One night when Aaron was drunk he told Ken all about him and Kevin. The common thread Ken picked up was that Aaron only slept with Kevin after he had been drinking. Part of him wondered how Kevin felt back then; another part realized that Aaron was doing the same thing with him. 

Now, he realizes this is the first time Aaron has talked about his sexuality to him without alcohol involved. 

“Well, that doesn't mean it's about what you guys did. Maybe he just wants to catch up.”  
“I bet he thinks I'm gay.”  
“Be honest with yourself, what are you?”  
“Straight.” Aaron replied, sounding not unlike a child insisting they're not tired.  
“Really? After what you told me about Kevin? After what we've done together?”  
Aaron turned even redder. “Fuck you.” He spat.  
“Okay, maybe that was too harsh. But be realistic. Even if you're not gay, you're not straight.”  
Aaron fell silent again.

_September 8th: Braves- 0, Phillies- 5 ___

Ken stands in the kitchen of his Philadelphia apartment. A glance at the clock reads 3am. He looks out a window that overlooks the rest of the city and smiles. 

Aaron lays asleep in Ken’s bed. 

Aaron hadn't spoken to him since that day in Miami. Today, he got the win and Ken got his 12th save of the year. After the game, Aaron asked if he could come back to Ken’s place and he agreed. 

“I've been thinking about what you said.” Aaron told him, sitting next to him on the couch.  
“And?”  
“I was right about Kevin. He was just trying to hook up with me.”  
Ken nodded sympathetically.  
“And—maybe I am gay. But I kissed Kevin and it just felt so wrong.”  
“Kissing Kevin or kissing a man?” Ken asked to clarify.  
“Kevin. He was the first guy I was with but I don't see him as any more than a friend now. Kissing him just made me feel cheap. So I left.”  
“What exactly are you trying to get at?” Ken asked him.  
“I realized kissing Kevin felt wrong because I should have been kissing you. I'm so sorry about how I treated you. You deserve so much more than me only sleeping with you when I'm drunk and all my goddamn issues. I've never met someone so kind and patient.” Aaron divulged.  
Ken looked up to see Aaron actually crying. Seeing him so vulnerable made tears form in Ken’s eyes as well.  
“What I really want you to know is that I love you, Ken, and I'm so sorry.”  
“I love you, too, babe.”  


A smile broke across Aaron's tear stained face. He leaned in and kissed Ken. For the first time, Aaron felt totally comfortable with his sexuality. He felt comfortable kissing not just a man, but a man he loved.

**Author's Note:**

> About halfway through writing this I realized Ken got traded to Houston and it made me really sad.
> 
> I didn't originally plan on putting Kevin Gausman in the story, but he fit in well, and I'm happy I did.
> 
> As always, any critiques you may have would be very appreciated. Thanks for reading!


End file.
